It's easy to see how important forgiveness is to someone who has made some big mistakes. It can often be the footing needed after nearly falling over the edge. But, what often gets overlooked is how important forgiving is for the one who was wronged. Anger is not a sin, but bitterness can spread like cancer in our souls. Forgiveness is the pressure valve that releases bitterness and creates space for the joy God intended to be at the center of who we are.
But, forgiving is HARD for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's because of how deeply the hurt betrayed our trust. Sometimes it's because of how violently it impacted those that are important to us. Most of the time, we feel like forgiveness erases or even validates the bad behavior, opening the door for it to happen again. All of this makes it easy for us to justify our anger and paves the gentle slope to bitterness.
So, where can we find the strength to forgive so we can root bitterness out of our lives? There are three things I have found helpful in my life. First, we have to invest in understanding why God commanded us to love one another. No parable convicts me more than the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). I completely relate to the resentment of the older brother. We often get lost in the beauty of how the Father forgave his younger son and miss the lesson that is there for the brother who stayed committed to the life his Father wanted for him. For this world to work the way God intended, not only do we have to trust Him, but we also have to be committed to lifting each other up. Community is critical. Sometimes there is no greater gift you can give someone than believing in them even when they don't. Therefore, sometimes forgiveness is just saying, "I believe you are better than your current actions”.
Second, we need to understand that forgiveness does not validate the behavior. In his book Never Go Back, Dr. Henry Cloud writes, "When it comes to redemption...something must be different (going forward). A second chance is not a repeat of the first chance. A second chance is a moving forward to something new”. True forgiveness should come with the expectation of better behavior in the future.
Finally, forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. Two people can live in a state of complete forgiveness and peace with each other, but not return to the relationship that existed previously. I believe understanding this is important because it can remove an expectation that could act as a barrier to our willingness to forgive. Sometimes moving forward in a new way is the healthiest thing for everyone. The key is creating an environment together that is free of bitterness and resentment.