I've been married to the same wonderful woman for over 25 years. Full disclosure: yes...we fight. Let's face it, arguments are absolutely a part of any long term relationship. However, we have far more control over the intensity and frequency of conflict then many of us know. The type of people we are and our level of patience can certainly have a significant impact, but there is one thing that can work for everyone, every time to minimize or eliminate conflict...understanding.
It won't surprise any of my friends and family that are reading this that I am going to pull again from the wisdom of the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Habit five is a juggernaut for sustaining healthy relationships! It is "seek first to understand, then to be understood." This habit strikes at the heart of the problem with all conflict. We fight because our opinions differ and we want to be heard. Tones escalate because both sides are in a battle to get their agenda on the table.
But...what if we flipped the script? What if we dug deep and learned the habit of putting our agenda aside for the moment to truly focus on understanding what was driving our friend or spouse's point of view? I wish (and I'm sure my wife does as well) I could say I have always brought this skill to every potential conflict. Alas, that hasn't been the case. However, learning and practicing this mindset has had a monumental and positive impact on all of my relationships. From what I have learned over time, the only thing that prevents this strategy from working every time is my willingness to execute it in the moment. Thus, I've learned that conflict is a personal choice. Can you imagine the beauty of a world where everyone chose understanding over conflict?
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